Wish i were an idiot

Because i have been awestruck by 3 idiots.
What a wonderful movie. And i guess i liked it even more because of the central theme of the movie, which is follow ur heart and do wht u really want to.

the 3 idiots do that and they are successful....but much more importantly, they are happy

i guess i have also been part of a rat race since the very beginning.....it wasnt pressure exerted by family as such....guess it was a lot to do with my own expectations (probably that drew from my parents' expectations to a large extent...but papa and ma always gave me the liberty to choose what i want)....
so me...the 4th idiot is at a loss, coz i dont know what i want to do
i find so many things interesting...but like in the Indigo Manza ad, there is always something missing.....wonder wat

i guess that is why i admire laina (my fiance') so much....she took the plunge, quit a great job in a coveted company, and now is doing what she wants to do.....

now there are multiple alternatives to finding out what i want...one is jump into each thing i like...make my mistakes and move on to the next one.....
but the status quo of a good job makes me too prone to inertia....add to it the fact that i am not sure if i will like what i do even for a week......
other one is to wait and watch......which is wat i am doing right now
third one...which i guess i should start...is to continue with wat i am doing...while taking in bits and pieces of the other alternatives......
this is also one of the more difficult ones coz maintaining attention is a big problem....i have tried it multiple times with multiple things but it hasnt worked till now

but till i decide to start the third alternative...its still the 2nd alternative for me :)

Of Books, Friends n Colleagues

Its been a while....but then...is baar pair zameen mein gade rahenge :)
chaddo....baad ki baad mein sochenge

since i last posted....lots has happened...let me just put down few of those lots

am getting into the reading mode again....as in not padhai...bole to novel shovel
apun ko bhi ekdum fiction wagera padne mein bahut masti aata hai

now...did i in my previous posts mention that i have tried many times to put on the reading habit...but everytime...most of the times...i picked up the wrong book
now...wat is the wrong book...its basically the book i dont like...or which i think i like...but i intrinsically dont like (some of u might be inclined to ask...intrinsically bole to kaha se...phephde se...ya gurde se....iska jawab hai...dil se...applause applause)
i like fiction...i like books with a lot of emotions n no flowery language...or frederick forsyth type books :D
so if i try to read bout india's economy, or a budding entrepreneur, obviously i will sleep off every now n then...sahi hai ki nahi

so over the last few days...i read...
a few short stories by rk laxman (read two stories...i guess they were "salt n dust" and "guru". I found guru a bit....i dunno wat word to use...i felt uncomfortable after reading that...maybe a bit angry...i dunno...just that it seemed to be an attempt at humour...when i found the story quite tragic to most of the characters....)

inscrutable americans (liked the first half...baad mein kaafi drag kiya hai)

mistress...by anita nair...(amazing book...though i dropped the flowery description of the navarassas of kathakali)

ishmael....by daniel quinn (didnt like it...the idea of a preaching gorilla was good..but it was too much gyan)

now..reading snow..by orhan pamuk...liking it till now....till now also liking his way of writing by painting the picture of scenario thru words....(dunno if i will like it for long though...it kind of lies on the border of too much description/flowery language)


apart from that....on the professional front...have realized if i am angry/disgusted/uninterested etc...it shows on my face....n worse...i dont try to make any attempt to hide it...it just shows i guess...
why am i saying this...isse aage aur public blog mein nahi likhunga

today i was talking to my manager....very nice guy...he is also new in the firm...
he was saying in consulting....one has to be really flexible with his/her personal life DUE to professional committments...
i disagreed....n i told him
he said...at least in the first few yrs
i again disagreed..n i told him why...
i beleive its a choice u make....at times...for me...personal committments will ALWAYS be more important....the people i love....they are the MOST important for me...

hmm...learning to drink in controlled way...the other day...a colleague...got drunk
i dont like people trying to pry out information from drunk people....

before i end....bout friends
have been in touch with my close friends from wimwi
bhaskar, nidhi, titto, randolf...
being in KL, telephone touch has been less...but then have been in touch
but then can already see....plans to keep meeting n all....fall apart...there was a get together in blore last weekend...i could not make it...since i was visiting my parents...
titto could not make it...

baaki....old friend like deka have totally disappeared...now even pings dont get replies...log busy ho jaate hai life mein
few friends i hadnt kept much in touch with...have been keeping in touch with them
i miss sam dadda ke funde....woh bhi gayab se ho gaye hai

ah....came to know of the marriage of a a once upon a time friend...called her...congratulated her...hung up the phone...thought i would pass a few sarcastic remarks of how happy i was to (not) receive her marriage invitation...but then let it be...kaiku shaadi ke din mood kharab karna kisi ka

i guess if u dont stay in touch....people just drift away...grow distant...
n why dont we keep in touch...maybe we just take people for granted....very wrong thing to do i must say....baad mein g***d lagti hai dosti ki...

on that piece of gyan....i sign off
will keep posting dost log....
abih ke liye
alvida

anjuli wala tag...

poocha gaya tha...ki write 7 random things bout urself

this is difficult...random ka kya matlab hai...

1. i am an ice cream rakshas. I have gone to a buffet dinner and finally the waiter had to come and tell me, sir, please, no more ice cream...or my manager will kill me

2. i cannot read...now dont take it literally...i am literate...its that I am a VERY bad reader. I have tried SO many times to get into the reading habit...but havent succeeded YET...maybe once i start living alone during my job, maybe then

3. i am good at judging emotions, but the point is not my own most of the times...in terms of my own emotions, i am kinda confused

4. i dont like college fests. why....i havent given it much thought. but i just dont like them.

5. kids...i am fine with them till they are looking chubby, smiling n all. but then moment they start being a nuisance, i want to take them to a khopcha...n de dana dan de dana dan

6. i can be really romantic, but, I THINK, in very subtle ways. like making a card on someone's bday...writing a letter as compared to an e-mail...i find it romantic :o) going forward, i might think of more things....but first have to find a reason to be romantic again :D

7. i am bad at keeping in touch...i would think of people, i would know i should stay in touch, but i am bad at doing it....need to improve


ufff....bahut sochna pada :o(

and as always, I DONOT pass along the tag :o)

Clouds wala tag...

The kid tagged me...samajh mein nahi aata log kya karenge mere baare mein jaan ke :D

anyway...likhna padega...jaise purane zamane mein ghar aaye mehmaan ko aadar karte the...suna hai waise hi tags ka bhi aadar karna chahiye

here it goes:

Life 10 yrs ago:
I was 15 (so now u people know my age :D)
So at 15 i was in 10th std. I was studious too. Also, this is was one very nice phase in my life because i had no crushes no infatuations nothing. Had come out of one by the end of 7th or early 8th std. And the next started in mid 11th std. So this was 3 yrs of pure bliss.

Life 5 yrs ago:
That would be when I was 20
So on the personal front, I would be breaking up with someone I thought i was in love but later realized it was a hurried infatuation. Add to it miscommunication n misunderstanding etc etc.
So that was that

On the professional front, was still a student in 3rd yr in engineering in Malluland. So that was nice. Hostel life IS THE BEST THING that can happen to anyone (personal opinion disclaimers :o))

Life 1 yr ago:
Actually I changed A LOT from after engineering to today. And a lot of change happened between the 5 yr n the 1 yr period.
However, in the last 1 yr ie 2nd yr at IIMA,
Went thru many ups n downs
On the personal front, i dont want to start again. one of my previous posts which was more of a drunk person's emotional outburst would testify that :D
on a professional front, took some bold decisions and risks. Gave up a coveted international investment banking offer. Before that went to hong kong for summer internship for 2 months. Heard "grunts" of pleasure from the room right next to me, while I sat n cursed myself for being in the wrong room at the wrong time :o)
Drank a lot, still am doing.
Tried to reduce smoking coz was looking at some long term goals/dreams. Once they broke, smoking has taken a new high...And so has my jogging :D
Lost 13 kgs in 2 months...now have gained 3 of those 13 again..but am in good shape right now :o)
The roots of my hair have been taking permanant leave over the last one yr :o)
And many other things...yaad bhi nahi aa raha

Life tomoro
No idea. Want to be a consultant. Will know if that clicks later next week when placements start. Baaki, on the personal front, no plans or expectations. If something happens it will. Not taking any proactive steps. But willl surely accept that have become pretty wary of relationships now :o)

5 snacks i enjoy
gajar ka halwa, bhel puri, paani puri....cant think of anything else...anything tasty i like it :D

5 locations i will run away to
no idea...no idea at all

5 bad habits i have
I smoke
I dont trust people easily
I am a BIG introvert whom people generally mistake to be an extrovert
I drink so much that i get blacked out...but the good thing is while i am in that state i am still in control of my actions...just that next morning i dont remember ANYTHING
I swear A LOT...a LOT...

5 things i love to do
Dream
Smoke
Work out
Watch movies
Sleep

5 things i will never wear
A sari
A frock
A salwar kameez
A mini skirt
A pink T shirt

5 biggest joys of my life
1. CAT
2. Love
3. Hostel Life
4. Friends
5. The biggest joy of all is my family...but i am one of those arseholes who takes the most imp people in his life (in this case my family) for granted...am trying to work towards not doing that

5 things i dont like
Hypocrisy
Liars
Show offs
People with made up accents
Girls who talk as if they are talking to a small puppy...the "cho chweet" kind

Something to achieve next yr
Get over it :o)

Something that impacted me last yr
The relationship

What i will miss about 2007
2nd yr @ IIMA

5 things i wanna do before i die
Get my dad a Tata Safari
Keep smoking (not sure of this though)
...cant think of anything else



And me being the person i am, i DONOT pass along the tag :o)

Reach Out...

We had this course called ERI which is the acronymn for Explorations in Roles and Identity. From the feedback we received from our tucchas, it was a course where one cries n gets good grades, but on the serious side, one comes to know oneself better.

ERI is set in a desert resort, at a place called Zainabad. Its 3-4 hours from Ahmedabad. The purpose of setting the course there, where there is no internet, and till last yr very weak mobile signal too :o). So basically u r taken to an enviornment which is OUTSIDE ur normal world, so that u can SEE urself.
Neway, i had gone there with a set of expecations. But then in the process, i realized that I know myself pretty well. So its just a matter of coming to terms of being myself, acknowledging and ACCEPTING my feelings for wat they are, and if i beleive something needs to change, then work towards it.

The course as such, other than this particular takeaway, wasnt much useful. Did come to see some facets of human emotion in others, but then I knew bout or rather have experienced most of these at some point of time or other. So I could see where they are coming from :o) (few of the readers of this post would laugh at this stt for different reasons ;o)...try enacting "I see where u r coming from" in sign language...try all possible actions :D...n u will see what i am trying to say :D)

One important thing however which I realized was the importance of reaching out. Many a time when we are narrating/sharing a feeling/issue/problem/emotion, we arent looking for solutions, we are just looking to vent ourselves out. Realizing that, being a empathetic listener, n reaching out to them is very important....it feels really good when u can reach out to someone

Anyway, ERI is done, but many of us still are in ERI language mode...
When one sees people returning from the toilet...one says...I see where u r coming from :D

Baggage

When its 3:30 AM in the morning, and u arent feeling like doing anything.
U arent feeling sleepy. U arent feeling like watching a movie.
U arent feeling like reading the newspaper.
U arent feeling like smiling on thinking bout the frivolous teasing that ur friends shower on u. Infact u hardly feel like smiling on that, since it touches that one area in ur life which u wouldnt really be able to change.

And the worst part is, u arent feeling like cleaning up ur mind once a flurry of thoughts come in, thoughts that on any other day u would dismiss on the excuse of work, or having other things to do, thoughts that a few months ago elicited a physical response wherein u had to shake ur head to push them out, thoughts that nowadays hardly come by, coz u seem to have gotten over them and moved on.

People do move on, from experiences, from people, from thoughts, from life lived...
But as they move on, do they leave everything behind...
I guess not...there is some baggage which all of us carry with us...our fears, our happiness, our beleifs, our insecurities, happy memories...sad ones, goals acheived, targets missed

But then, doesnt some of this baggage feel too heavy on u sometimes...so heavy, that u feel you could shout out loud and let it flow out of ur system, but u wont, coz shouting wont come naturally to u
...So heavy, that u feel that ok...let me sit down n clean it out of my system, in whatever way, tears, alcohols, cigarettes, running like hell, whatever way possible
but then u r a person who just doesnt cry, alcohol does not have its affect, the best friends of ur life whom u might have shared something with are far away, cigs just burn ur lungs, n running just tires u out...

but the baggage still remains...heavy as always...

Cleanliness Drive

Woke up today morning (afternoon actually). Yesterday was Diwali. The whole day was in the room. Didnt want to celebrate. So consciously decided not to. Didnt even take a bath :D. However did have 3-4 pegs at night. Achi daru kisi bhi din chalti hai yaar, diwali or no diwali.

Neway, today morning, woke up and decided, room needs to be cleaned. Have got many pointers from inside (ie from myself) and from outside that room needs to be cleaned. Lemme just point out the outside pointers (just a couple of them):
1. Ashok sir comes to room, and starts coughing. I said what happened. He said, kuch nahi yaar, dust allergy hai. I wasnt smoking, so there was no smoke in the room. Looked around, and could see a clear beautiful layer of dust on my tables n laptop etc etc

2. Supriya and Khetan came to room for Amaethon speakers cell meet. Me being the gentleman i am, offered the chair to Supriya (since the other chair had clothes piled up, n the bed also was full of clothes n stuff). She sat and typed something on the laptop, n said, Nalayak, yeh kya ganda hai tera laptop. Typing on my lappie led to dust on her fingers :D

Neway, external pointers hardly matter in my decisions most of the time. So today afternoon, i felt its time to clean up the room. Also, was symbolic of my cleaning up some more of my memories of the past :o)
So it took me around 2 hours to clean up and realign the room (shifted the bed to the other side from one side, n the the stuff which was on the other side, to the side which was the bed side :o))
Finally, i felt very happy, proud and satisfied that the room was clean.
Went a step further, decided to get a haircut also. But the bloody festival season ensured that the barber shop was closed. Neway, shaved off my stubble (ok it wasnt a stubble, one week without shaving gets me more than a stubble, almost a beard) and went to the gymn after a long time. Had been running on most days, but the gymn had stopped.
So gymned, ran, played badi, took a bath, went out in search of cigs, found a couple, bought them, came back, n now am in my room :o)
Nice day.

Oh btw, am on fast today. Not for any religious reason, just that had eaten a lot over the last few days, and hadnt exercised also, so actally not feeling hungry today :o)
Tomorrow also, have put a condition for myself, that i have to wake up in the morning n run n then have breakfast.
Paagal hoon mai :D
But i dont mind :o)

Bored...Very Bored

Its Diwali today...n i am fatally bored. Woke up late, actually woke up just now n have no idea of what to do over the next couple of days. Have lots of constructive stuff to do actually if i want to, lekin kambakth mann nahi kar raha.
The trip to Pondicherry would have been good. Actually was talking to Hitch the other day. Felt that should have gone to Pondicheery. However, staying back did accomplish significant work. But at the end of the day, the trip i had longed for since i came back from home didnt happen. Which is a tragedy.
NEEDED that trip.

Neway, now, cant think of much to do here on campus. As Randolf or Titto would define, I am an anti social person. So living up to those expectations, not really into festival celebrations. Bore hota hai. So thinking of what to do. One of things i could think of was crib n that is why typing this post :D

Hope u people have a better diwali.
Adios

A Trip too far...

One trip I had planned for rediscovery, and I couldnt make it :o(
But I will go, somewhere, sometime soon...
Till then...

Do u wanna partner :o)

I sit there waiting for my presentation…she comes really close…her face is right next to mine…I can feel her breath…if I turn n just move my head, my lips will touch her face
She tells me something I already know…she tells me something that she knows I already know….

I think…sahi hai yaar :D
She is pretty…she is smart…
Then when I am leaving…n some of us are exchanging visiting cards…she comes n gives me her card…I obviously reciprocate
Later on when I am sitting outside n smoking n she is leaving that way…she says…to me in specific n to the others in general…u should come for the celebrations we have tonight :o)

I gently refuse :o)

Am I looking out for someone…nahi miya…once bitten twice shy :o)

Sometimes I envy and feel jealous of all the beautiful happy couples I see…I feel…may there be a thunderstorm n the lightening fall right on them…:o)…bitterness does make u a bit of a sadist doesn’t it

but then I guess with the charm that I radiate…its going to be a tough thing remaining single :D :D… but then wat the hell…am known for my determination…so single I will be :o)

Again...

Why does the past have to keep coming back in bits n pieces again n again n again?

Mumbai Airport…the beginning of the end

The end began here, in the airport. No details revealed.

Was told once of something called trauma therapy. When u go thru a trauma, to get over it, u must try n relive the experience. Helps u get over it.

Though I CANT relive the whole experience, coming to the airport surely seems like trauma therapy. Coz the trauma is coming back in bits n pieces.

Hope the therapy happens soon

Pondicherry…have great hopes from u

Heights of Procrastination

Another competition down the drain...why...was too lazy to start off...n ended up a frustrated soul on the last day :o(

Of stories and communication

Has been a nice day. In the managerial commnications class, today Katlee and Benjy told two nice stories, the moral of both of which were similar. Which is, life throws obstacles n flowers at u. u cant take one n neglect the other. but then how u feel n maintain ur mood is totally on u.
remember that saying which a girl had put up in our classroom in 8th std (we were supposed to get nice quotes to put up on the classroom walls)...I cried because i had no shoes, until i met a man who had no feet.

Neway, bout communication, i beleive its the most important aspect of most relationships. i am bad at it. atleast with my family, i am really bad. but then even otherwise, i have been bad.
but then i made one genuine attempt and i beleive i was good in that. i tried my best to communicate, but then still things didnt work out.
but then ... shit happens :o)

So u add the first and the second para, u get the moral of this post. Which is...Communication is important, but then i am not good at it, will try to improve but cant promise, n even when i have been good, shit has happened...but then...what the hell...life moves on...n people find my smile very nice...so i might very well move on with my smile on my face n a tune on my lips :D

mai zindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya...har phikr ko dhuye mein udata chala gaya :D

Are u GAY?

Have been asked this question twice. Once was over chat. Wont go into the details of that.
Yesterday was the second time.

We were having this roof top party in the dorm. And few exchange students turned up. Once of them is Chinese. We are in the same project group for one subject. So we all were drinking n being merry. So then he asked "Where are the girls?" I said, what girls?
He said, u having a party without girls. I said, yes, we always have parties like this. Its not tht girls are not allowed or anything, but then that is how we have parties. At a dorm party especially for a guy's dorm, obviously no girls.
Then he said that he cant imagine a party without girls. So i went on to explain to him that in India, for bachelors, the general norm is to have parties without girls. daru, sutta, expletives, music (my idea of a great party :D).
So the discussion meandered around to me. My future plans, especially about girls (again :D)
So i said, I am not sure. But most probs i will would be single.

Then he asked, is that the norm here. I said NO. How do u think our country has so many people (population re :D). Then i told him that usually people get married but there can be cases when one chooses not to take the plunge. So as of now, I have chosen the latter.

He thought for a moment, n then with a smile asked "Are u GAY?"
I also smiled.

And felt good after smiling actually. To be able to smile at something u r totally against is good isnt it :D
I know homosexuality is just another sexual orientation etc etc blah blah, but then its something i have never been able to look at without prejudice (negative that too). n when i write the previous sentence, i am drastically mellowing down my feelings for gayism (this being a public forum :D) dont want to be targeted by pro-gay activists.

but then now i would present my chauvinistic side to u :D
I LOVE LESBIANISM.
see, i am a chauvinist in a way. but only this way. ekdum promise :D

Eye of the Beholder :o)

Had seen a movie by this name. Saw Ashley Judd for the first time...fell in love with her (and have fallen in love with her again n again over n over as i see many of the "clips" of her movies :D)

Neway, this post is not about pornographic movie clips. Though i would make a point bout pornography too. But then this post is about eye contact.

Did i mention in one of my previous posts that we are having this course in communication. The prof is good. So he was saying something bout eye contact. And then gave interesting tit bits. He said, that when u first meet someone, ur eyes meet, as in a hello, n then they move away, moving over the face, as u try n absorb the person in ur mind. The eyes dont meet for very long. Coz those long engaging gazes are usually for two reasons. One is something me n sam dadda used to discuss in bangalore which is when eyes express unexpressable emotions for eg. Madar c***, bhan ke L**** mai tera khoon bhi piyunga aur teri ma bhi c*** doonga :D.
And coincidentally, the other is also when ur eyes express emotions, but these are emotions of the finer sense. Havent u seen two lovers just look into each others' eyes n say nothing. In case u havent u need to go n see some hindi movies or just go to some lover's park in some city n watch all the love birds.

So basically looking long long enough into another person's eyes (not staring or glaring) expresses a comfort level which most people dont share. So if u (guys) try looking into a girl's eyes long enough, u might be accused of acting "fresh" (never understoond why the term came up...acting fresh...as if we guys dont brush or something).
But then it might be exciting to try it out sometime. I tried it out the other day in class with an exchange student, n her pupils enlarged.

Now that is a good sign. Coz when u see something that u like seeing, then ur pupils enlarge to let more light n more of the image in (now do u remember pornography...yes...guys...when u watch porn...ur pupils enlarge ie open up more).
Now if any of u sick minds try to draw an analogy between the pupils of the exchange student enlarging n pornography, i should be coming down to ur place n giving u "one tight slap" (as in mtv or channel v).
N on any other day, i would have been overjoyed noticing the enlarged pupils :o)...but then right now...naaaaaaahhh
i wont say i like being alone....but then i dont like any other person invading my loneliness :o) isliye parakrami anurag dutta fight nahi marenge...aur baaki sabhi fighters ko sampoorna samarthan denge...gusshow gusshow full support full support

n me...have to wait another hour to burn my lungs... :o)

Writer's Block

So I am not the only one afflicted by this issue :o)
Today in our communications class, the prof said its a very general phenomenon. Now what exactly is Writer's block. Its when one has a big time problem starting off writing. Once one starts, then the rest of it (read fart :o)) starts flowing automatically :D
Now Qwicky told me today, u dont have a writer's block. I asked Why do u say so? He said, because of ur blogs.
Now my blogs are more of a conversation arent they? U people decide :D
But then writing reports or papers or bloody WAC assignments is totally different. That is where the Writer in me gets blocked :D

Are u in the same league as me?

The Memory Remains...

Shouldnt have watched "When Harry Met Sally" today :o)
He he...woh kahawat hai na...mulle ki daud masjid ki aur :o)
Neway, thought of watching flags of our fathers. Then decided against it. Thought wud watch a feel good movie. Watched Harry Met Sally. Was a nice romantic movie. I told u guys before right. Have started watching feel good romantic movies again :o) Earlier used to watch just action flicks.

Ended up being sulky whole evening, smoking over 15 cigs n then finally 3 hours of badminton cured me :o) Oh missed gymn also n hogged like a dog. But then kal vrat par chala jaunga :o)

Gotto sign off. Should be writing this stuff. Or even the night is gonna get screwed :o)
Good night amigos n senoritas

What is wrong...

with accepting the fact what someone might be in love with u while u just want to be friends?
In the end, since friendship is both sided, n love is one sided, both the people would still be friends only na?
Something I havent understood till now. And surely am giving up trying :o)

Had visited a psychologist a few days back. Always wanted to do that. I find psychology very interesting, and am not boasting, but am kinda good at it myself too. Was the agony uncle for many of my friends in college, and i beleive i gave some really good advice. However, about the visit, I was disappointd. Found her very similar to a consultant :D
When I was in IMS, one English Faculty (from IIMB) told us "A consultant is a person who would take ur watch and tell u the time". Draw the corresponding analogy here too.

But then for me, right now, I am just letting things be :o)
Acknowledging my feelings, not trying to change them, recognizing the constants in life, n keeping myself busy. And planning a trip to some place alone. Have to try n be happy with myself. Everytime i go home, i get irritated at having nothing to do. So will now make conscious efforts to be happy with myself. And its going to be necessary also. Jab dost logo ki shaadi ho jayegi tab aur kisko ghinaunga :D
Waise we have a league of extraordinary gentlemen. Hopefully that league would be there to give the members company :o)
Currently there are 3 members i know, myself, Upam and Deka. But with life, u never know, when Upam n Deka give me the slip :D
Lekin mai yeh league akela hone se bhi chalaunga :D

Right now, working on a paper on CSR. Have to finish it by tomoro. Sutta maaro, movie dekho, kaam karo, busy rehne ki koshish karo, remember the good times, remember nimokh tel bhaat with nemu tenga, enjoy tomotoes in the mess...
Good life :o)

Today is Sept da 13th...

3 months from Friday the 13th July 2007 :o)
Feeling Nostalgic :o)
And Smiling :o)