Feeling nostalgic...

u can count on friends to make u laugh...n also to make u cry...

now i dont cry...generally...the last time i cried was when jetha (my uncle) expired....that was in 11th...or maybe 10th standard...

after that...there have been many occasions my eyes have been on the misty side...but tears fail to oblige me...
i would love to cry at these moments...i think its cathartic...n i dont think its feminine...crying is very naturall...

anyway...now relating misty eyes and friends....bhaskar (lugaai) is to blame for my latest misty eyes experience...

was reading his blog....he wrote (or was it copied...lugaai sach bol :P) this beautiful poem about 2 yrs at IIMA....
got me thinking of the amazing time I had there...n the time was amazing because of amazing friends like bhaskar, randolf, titto, patwari...

bhaskar's crazy dance...his playing madhushala during our DPs...his always being the dependable guy who can get u back to ur room once u r drunk...
titto's pj's or amazing sense of humour....his tharkiness...the eri sessions with him
randolf's seemingly carefree attitude but a sensitive and very caring and emotional person within...
patwari's fundas, the paper writing with him...the ISB trip...

i miss u guys...

So it ends...

2 yrs. IIM Ahmedabad.
Just had my last drinking session...dont worry, am not high. In fact drank slowly, lesser and so am not at all high. Though i do have a headache due to not sleeping when I was feeling damn sleepy.

How were my 2 yrs here? Amazing.
Wat made it amazing? The people.

Was so damn lucky to have friends like Bhaskar, Randolf, Titto, Nidhi, Nisha...
Today while drinking (me, Randolf n Nidhi), was thinking, wat is it that made it click between us?

Was it the fact that all of us are in the league of extraordinary gentlemen? Well, then Titto, Nidhi n Nisha would have been out
No it wasnt that. It was something else. It was the fact that we had similar backgrounds and similar outlooks towards life.
Does it mean that people with different outlooks cant click? No.
But in a place like WIMWI, where even though u have so many people, there is little time to bond, similarities do help.

I feel proud to have friends like these. These are genuine people. Bhaskar or Titto or Randolf or any of the others, I beleive we havent really faked emotions amongst ourselves. Kisi ki g***d mein aag lagi hai to chehre par dikhta hai...dikhna bhi chahiye...

Another piece of bonding (for the guys in the gang) was the kind of girls we found attractive. Now attractiveness is of two types. One is qualitative, another is the "other" type :P
And we have a very similar attractiveness criteria for the other sex. Another point that shows similarities :D

I can chalk out numerous other reasons of why we all clicked.
I can chalk out so many things that I will miss about this place.
I can chalk out a hundred things that I wont be able to do once student life ends (I have no intentions of studying further)
I can chalk out a hundred things I can chalk out further

But the point is...today, on 1st of april, on april fool's day, my journey in this wonderful place with these wonderful people ends...
Its not that I wont be meeting these people again, or that i wont be coming to this place again...
But this phase of life as a student in the most coveted business school in the country is ending now...

Am I senti yet...I dunno...maybe...maybe not
I will know over the day...so let me wait...

Cold

Am i a cold person? Am i a VERY cold person?
I dunno, but I guess at most times for most people I do come across as that.

Inside, I am sea of emotions. If I like someone, I would ignore that person's shortcomings and support that person come wat may. If I dislike a person, its very difficult for me to be objective bout that person. I have come a long way in being non judgemental but being objective is something I still have to work on.

But somehow, I feel "indifferent" to many supposingly "moving" situations, moments. I get my degree, everyone around is so so happy, I am also smiling n all, but then I dont feel the "joy" which the others seem to be feeling.
My friends leave the insti, they and the others seem so senti, but I dont feel...anything. I am being blunt, but right now I am not feeling anything.

An e-friend talks bout all kinds of life problems, and I cant even place them in my mind for a minute. A friend tells me another friend had a near death experience, and the incident registers in my mind for moment n then leaves. Its just not there anymore.

But I am also the same person, who would take pains of "making" cards for people he wants to gift a smile on their bdays. I am also the same person, who no matter how aloof he seems, would take some very very very hard decisions, seemingly unnecessary, n very painful, for the happiness of those people whom he loves the most.

Who am I? Dont worry, if u know me, u dont have to worry of how u would find me when me meet me on two different occasions. I would be quite similar on both, smiling, jovial etc. But wat lies beneath...
During one of our courses called ERI ie Explorations in Roles n Identity, one facilitator said, we should not wear any masks in our life because there comes a point, when the mask becomes us n we the masks, and one cant differentiate between the two...
Have i reached such a point...is it good or is it bad or is it just wat was meant to be...I dont know..

another drunk post...

dont worry people...this is gonna end soon...is it (my blog my rulz disclaimers :D)

u know why...coz school (read b school) is gonna end soon...am i senti...i dunno
should i be...i get senti for a number of reasons...i donot get senti for many seemingly senti reasons

friends close to me leave college...i dont get senti
i sit on my system...i visit that one orkut profle....i get senti
someone tells me...u willl get a beautiful girl as a girlfriend....its make no difference...why...beauty is not what makes a difference....that person has to be as strong as the two previous ladies in my life...both of whom were epitomes of strenght....she has to be as engaging in conversation as those two ladies...she has to be as interesting as those two ladies...she has to be as effervescent yet them...yet as ....kya word hai yaar...pata nahi...opposite of effervescent....as them

one of my good friends asked me...why havent u been able to get over ur past...why do u still say u r TRYIN to get over it
its because of benchmarking...
that...I guess...is not the right word...but the fact remains the women in my life have been so strong...so independent...so different...that i havent been able to find equivalents
n when i say...time holds not heals...it...to a large extent means...to get in terms with ur past...u look for equivalents...if not betterments...
n beleive me....I dont know if i was lucky or was it something i deserved...but i HAVE NOT been able to find equivalents....

yaar sach bol raha hoon....such strong women....how...
sometimes i think....me n them...kaise....they showed me what women are....they taught me to respect women for their strength....they showed me women are no worse if not better than men....they made me see the other side of the society....they showed me what India is....both of them...one thru a book...one thru her work...they sensitized me about india....

i can go on n on...i dont want to
when someone tells me...anurag...u will get a great girl in ur life....2 things...wat does "get" a great girl mean....n second....would that person match up to what i have lost....or rather what i have experienced....
havent found anyone matching up to that yet...
n that is where the problem lies :o)....there is always a comparison involved...when u r dying of heartburn (that is the word they use isnt it)...u r dying of potential lung cancer due to cigarettes u smoke...u r lying of liver damage because of the volumes of rum u consume...

i know its time i ended this post...its running pretty long...but i dont want to....its coz i am writing something i am grappling with....i cant sleep at nights...i think of 13th of july 2007...friday the 13th...scary day...such a beautiful day...i think of my last few days in blore....n i cant sleep...i just shut my eyes...n wait...rather hope...sleep plz oblige me
saala woh gaandu jisko bhagwaan bulate hai woh bhi help nahi karta
i am not an aetheist...but i am not a beleiver too...i dunno what i am...right now i am just drunk

kya mazak hai yaar....i am listening to songs now...they are blaring on my ears....its a circle...people call me n i "choose" to respond or not...i mail that one person...who always chooses not to respond...why...because of a difference in opinion on how it should end...
i dunot understand her point of view...she does not beleive my stand...what is the end result...those extra cigs which reduce the life span by those extra mins...those extra pegs which reduce the sensitiveness that much

friends say...saala dont treat ur body as a machine...ghanta bhan chod....i live in the company of such talented women....but no one...matches...them....no one....its not a comparison in any way...its just that....wat i value most...is not there....so will i find it...i dunno
they are one of a kind....n i guess me being the arsehole i am...am one of a kind...so would a match exist...i dunno...very difficult....so not hoping...not thinking...just getting numb....ma ka bhos**a

ghanta saala....band karo...i dont even know why i started writing this post....band kar chutiye...band kar

Random Incidents

I told her, for your sake, I am willing to move to any part of the world...U wanna go to London, I will take a job in London. U wanna go to New York, I will take a job there...

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I will never be able to enjoy such a great time in my life. After marriage, I will never be able to have so much...

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Bhan c***, bas 2 aur hafte yaar...(sitting in LKP...morning 7:30 AM...4 guys...semi drunk...)...bhan c***, bas 2 aur hafte yaar...bas 2 aur hafte...

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A bunch of 42 guys and girls going out to meet the delegates of a company which has shortlisted them for an interview...and I am thinking...kya karenge yaar waha jaake...yahi college mein kar lete...

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Bataas u r an extrovert...u r always smiling...always so jolly...I smile again...my big toothy smile for which i am known well...n i remember what Paddy had said during ERI....we all wear our masks....

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Aur peeyo...aur peeyo...abhi to 3 hi peg hua hai...aur peeyo :D

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3:30 AM at night...feeling totally insomniac...feel a need to vent out feelings...get up...write out an e-mail...asking...why why...
feel better...go to sleep
wake up in the morning...smile...u know u wont get a reply anyway... :D
u brush, lock ur room, n walk to get a sutta

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u feel insecure about the way u look...
wat the f***...
u dont even know me n are passing judgements on what U THINK i feel...damn!

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valentine's day...12 pm...n he is missing...where is he...he is chatting...with whom...with her...who pinged...she did...but then he says aisa kuch nahi hai yaar...sab lasun lasun hai
the others believe him...after all he is also part of the league...n destiny is against the gentlemen in the league :D
so they laugh...shout out a few abuses among themselves...n discuss when they will drink next

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he loves her...but never gathered the courage to tell her...she gave him all the signs...did he understand...the others dont know...but he never told her...
finally she send him her marriage card...

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coffee is all over her...she has burnt herself...all of them are drunk...she says...I am dying...i am dying...n they are thinking of the omlette that just fell on the ground...

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He perfected the art of sleeping in class...but what went missing wat the poise or rather the art of not being caught...his head would wobble from one side to the other...or it would move down all the way to the table...n suddenly he would start snoring...

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D2/D1/D11 ka tempo high hai...D7 ko de do...chup chaap chup chaap :D

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lau*a lasun ho gaya...saala sab lasun lasun ho gaya...(in english...di*k become garlic...bloody everything become garlic garlic)

khao khao...aur khao...arre khao...

ma ki kirkiri...ma ki kirkiri...

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The above are random incidents over the last 2 yrs i have been here in IIMA...some in my life...some in lives of people close to me...i aint gonna say which ones are mine which ones are not...
but then these are wat make up my life....experiences...close friends...lost love...drunk nights...laughing out loud...sometimes out of happiness...sometimes out of helplessness

More of such incidents would come...they have to...its 2 yrs yaar...

A question of salted water

They call it tears.
I have had a problem with this form of H20 since the very beginning. I wish i hadnt.

When they ought to come, they dont. And they sometimes come when they ought to. (please excuse me, its 5:40 in the morning n i am kinda drunk)

I screwed up an interview, i screwed up a job, one of my dream jobs, but I still dont feel the need to release my emotions in the form of tears.
But I have lost someone so dear, to I dont know whose fault it was, I do wish to cry out loud.
But these fucking tears would come out for a movie like taare zameen par but they wont oblige me when I think of her.

I send her a message, I send her a mail, I visit her orkut profile but I dont leave a scrap. Why should I? I would anyway not get a reply :o)
Have u seen Mera Naam Joker? How Raj Kapoor smiles when he is in pain?

My friends tell me...Bataas story bata yaar...I sometimes think Let me tell them wat happened...but what do I tell them...I will break down...Maybe I want to break down...Then why dont I tell them...Coz I am scared that I wont break down

Fuck...Like is complicated. N wat is even more complicated is emotions...feelings...coz they arent objective. There is no logic behind them. Logically thinking, she should not occupy even a millimetre of my mind or heart or whatever.
But logic does not rule here...

I am drunk...so i speak the truth...

Mumbai...Love u...hate u...

The flight landed. This was one of his many trips to the city of dreams, the city of slums, the city of the infamous mafia, the city of the famous dabbawalas...the city of mumbai.

He abhored the city...till the last time he came here. It brought back painful memories.
But this time something had changed. This time, as he passed through the city in the morning in a taxi, he felt a change.

As he saw the slums, houses (if one can call them that), one on top of another, where there wasnt place for even one. People going about their lives, a definite method in the chaos of the city, he felt attracted towards the city. This city represented perseverence to him, this city represented determination, this city represented optimism.

Then he passed in front of the Hyatt. The grand hotel, surrounded by slums. He felt heavy in his heart, he felt choked. But it wasnt the miserable condition of the slum dwellers which made him gasp for breath. No. He had never been so socialistic in nature. It was memories which came back in a flurry. The road, the conversations...
promise me...
i wont let go...
he had to shake his head to flush them out, those memories.

This was a city which had given and taken from him...something so precious...

He loved Mumbai...he hated mumbai

n in his mind, as he writes this post, he hums
Aye dil hai mushkil jeena yaha, zara hat ke zara bach ke yeh hai bombay meri jaan

Baggage

When its 3:30 AM in the morning, and u arent feeling like doing anything.
U arent feeling sleepy. U arent feeling like watching a movie.
U arent feeling like reading the newspaper.
U arent feeling like smiling on thinking bout the frivolous teasing that ur friends shower on u. Infact u hardly feel like smiling on that, since it touches that one area in ur life which u wouldnt really be able to change.

And the worst part is, u arent feeling like cleaning up ur mind once a flurry of thoughts come in, thoughts that on any other day u would dismiss on the excuse of work, or having other things to do, thoughts that a few months ago elicited a physical response wherein u had to shake ur head to push them out, thoughts that nowadays hardly come by, coz u seem to have gotten over them and moved on.

People do move on, from experiences, from people, from thoughts, from life lived...
But as they move on, do they leave everything behind...
I guess not...there is some baggage which all of us carry with us...our fears, our happiness, our beleifs, our insecurities, happy memories...sad ones, goals acheived, targets missed

But then, doesnt some of this baggage feel too heavy on u sometimes...so heavy, that u feel you could shout out loud and let it flow out of ur system, but u wont, coz shouting wont come naturally to u
...So heavy, that u feel that ok...let me sit down n clean it out of my system, in whatever way, tears, alcohols, cigarettes, running like hell, whatever way possible
but then u r a person who just doesnt cry, alcohol does not have its affect, the best friends of ur life whom u might have shared something with are far away, cigs just burn ur lungs, n running just tires u out...

but the baggage still remains...heavy as always...

Mumbai Airport…the beginning of the end

The end began here, in the airport. No details revealed.

Was told once of something called trauma therapy. When u go thru a trauma, to get over it, u must try n relive the experience. Helps u get over it.

Though I CANT relive the whole experience, coming to the airport surely seems like trauma therapy. Coz the trauma is coming back in bits n pieces.

Hope the therapy happens soon

Pondicherry…have great hopes from u

Of Constants and Variables

One's life has constants and variables.
As the name suggests, constants dont change (just like in Physics n Chemistry etc etc).
Ur parents, ur relatives are constants.

Then there are variables. Acquaintances, infatuations, crushes etc etc.

Many a time variables becomes constants. Such constants include friends, love etc.

Now constants, almost always, u love them a lot. Be it ur parents, or generally ur relatives.
Ur friends, that special someone.

But then there are times when constants change. Which is against the universal law, which here is ur conscience, ur expectations, ur dreams, ur feelings.
The change may be from one constant to another, or from a constant to a variable.

N its not easy to variabalize a constant. Or change the categories of constants. Its a very painful process.
But then like i said in my previous post, u come to certain crossroads in ur life when u have to make a choice, both the options would finally mean that ur happiness n feelings are fucked.
N when the choice involves variabalization of a constant, then u r anyway fucked to the maxim (was deka's profile name for sometime on orkut)

But then after trying continuously, very hard, every possible way, i guess one (i at least) have come to the conclusion that i cant really change certain constants and the emotions involved. But then accepting this also involves living with some bitter truths in life, which u want to neglect at all possible costs, but then its a truth, that stares u right at the face, so u cant ignore it.

I choose to let constants be constants, n live with the bitter truth. That might mean many things, many actions, many changes, except for one thing, which is the constant. N i guess that would remain constant.

Crossroads

Life teaches u a lot.
And one thing I learnt yesterday is that life is a lot about choices.
U come to a crossroad, n u have to make a choice. And u know both the options u have in the end would end up in u being not happy, rather sad.
But then u make a choice. Everyone has to.

Who the fuck says life is beautiful. Just remembered Titto's blog name.
No one dies a virgin. Life fucks everyone.
So apt.

Prayers

I hardly pray.
When I was in college, before every exam I used to pray. I used to say "God, be with me, help me succeed in my endeavours so that I can live up to the standards I have set for myself" and some other crap. I still judge (or rather try to judge) myself on the standards I have set for myself.
Anyway, early in 4th yr, I lost faith. I thought I had become an aetheist. But then gradually, that changed to a point now wherein I acknowledge the presence of someone up there. But also the fact that if something is to be done with my life, I have to do it. "HE" (god is always referred to as male, another thing i would write about in a while) wouldnt have nething to do with it. He may, but I wouldnt call upon HIM to help me out. I have to help myself out.
Even now, sometimes I do call upon HIM for myself, but very rarely. The prayer hasnt really changed. Its more or less the same, wherein I want to be successful by the standards I have set for myself.
Coming to the point of God being called "HE", why not "SHE". Few of the strongest people I have met in my life of 24 yrs n 8 months and probably 24 days now, have been women. And not extraordinary in the sense that everyone knows them or they are idols or something. Its just the simple indian woman. My Ma, who has always been strong throughout her life, raising me and babi in places like Delhi, Andhra and Assam; a friend who changed my perspective a lot on many issues and I would always be thankful to her for that, and now, the person whom I love.
She has displayed amazing strength in such adverse conditions, and is still standing strong. And apart from all this, she has to put up with someone like me, which in itself is strength. But jokes apart, I have always beleived love inherently has respect imbibed in it, and I respect her immensely. I can only dream of being as strong as her.

Now coming back to the issue of praying, there are these times when I still sometimes feel like praying. When I go to temples (when I am taken to temples), I pray for my family, which isnt going through very good times right now. Not financially, but in some other sense. And today I have found another reason to pray.

So god, if u r there somewhere, listening, then listen to me, listen to my prayers. When I pray for the people I love, I am praying for myself, so I am being selfish.
But god listen to me, please...

On a senti note...

Was thinking is it possible to miss someone when u r in touch on a pretty regular basis (for people with eyebrows raised, i mean everyone u care bout, family friends etc etc etc).

i guess it is. the very idea that u r alone n all the people u care are far away....

yes. u can miss miss them

Ma...

When I was at home, I got pretty bored. There wasn’t much to do, especially because I was on bed rest for a long time.

Neway, Ma was busy preparing all the best pakwaans for me.

Everytime before going home, I think that this time I will be the good son and talk for long periods with Ma. But then everytime the absence of anything to do and hence the over watching to TV and playing Age of empires takes priority.

About Ma, she is the most loving mom on this earth. She bears the tantrums of not only my brother and myself, but also Papa’s :o)

She does most of the housework and even manages our small medicine shop. She makes sure everyone takes all the medicines on time, everyone gets what he wants for dinner. Whenever we go out for shopping, she would put her plans on the backdrop and first search for what I want.

Everytime I leave from home to come to college, Ma invariably cries…I never cry, but then when Ma cries, that is one time I feel like I should stay in Assam.

I could go on n on n on. But then wht I am trying to say out here is

Ma, I love u.